"And I am That Friend..."

I would normally just post this in my wattpad account, but what the hey! :D 

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Ten years of being away-- from family, friends, and those who I treasured the most, the fear of eventually just losing them made me lose my mind, made me hurt and made me so frustrated to even be with them. I wanted to stay with them. But I only felt something wrapping tightly around my neck, choking me every time I get too close with them. That very fear of being attached to someone who is precious and close to me. My hand that tried its best to reach out for help, was ignored, just like the owner herself.

A child's heart is at most fragile at the age of its development. Once it's crushed to bits, it's hard to pick it up and rearrange it.

Unfortunately, for a child like me to experience it first-hand, it was pretty much too hard to accept and fix my broken self at that point. It was too much for a child to handle something as painful as getting depression at such early age, and neither my parents knew what the cause was at first, but later on when I was checked by a psychiatrist the cause was revealed. So, to prevent myself from deeply falling into an anxiety, I was transferred overseas where my grandparents were. Just like what the psychiatrist said, I needed a new environment to refresh myself. 

Well, it sort of worked for the past five years of staying there. And the moment I had reached puberty, all failed to any development. 

The anxiety I had when I was eight had gotten worse when I entered high school, and the worst scenario was that I got labelled as an introvert for being unsociable and alone all the time. 

I stopped caring, stopped getting too close and literally stopped opening myself to someone. Before I knew it, I was called back by my parents and got myself back in my home country. That day, that very day, was the time I had to face everything I left and cut ties with. I had to resolve everything as what my parents said. Whatever their intention was, it was definitely getting me somewhere that I will eventually hate them. If that ever happen, if my fear was to be grasped by someone else, I don't know what I will do anymore. I don't know what might turn out. I seriously don't know if I can overcome it.

I don't want to get back on that day I was called the 'third wheel', to put an effort just to talk or start a conversation, or just be left out from my own friends. I don't want to be....

That Friend.

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I finally got myself up and eventually just write it down. 

All those plots in my head, those ideas that I wrote down-- it all went down into this slice-of-life story. Well, I just wanted to voice out what was inside my heart (since my stories was quite like that from the very beginning) and be heard by many.

I'm not expecting something big, but hopefully I can be heard.

Waaaaaah~ I hope this turns out good. 

I am troubled sometimes whenever I write/type down my stories that ends up turning a turn to something I can't even get a hold of.  <3 <3 <3 

See ya, netizens~ 

* ( o w o ) *

Being ME :D

Hello, netizens and world of internet!

How've you been? Good? Great? Well, that's a news for you and that is great. While me, on the other hand if you might ask, is currently shitting brix and vomiting rainbows for a fact.

Yeah, not really into much shits

Going back to reality.....

I am currently wondering what to write coz' I am in such a slump for being a writer. It's been days and all I'd been writing are half-assed and incomplete stories/ideas that actually piled inside my head. I hate that part of me. Real Talk.

(I'm not really a blogger, more like an ordinary writer with an imagination ready to explode if I don't write it down. So~ Yeah.) 

So in my head, I really want to continue with my original works (my stories that just kept on stopping, going, on-hold, researching for facts or fictitious stuff, and literally going back on stopping.) that I started writing when I was still 13 years. I was really shock when I learned how passionate I was in Literary works. I never even knew that I would like writing as well. But I should say that up til now, for the last 5 years of writing, I am still an amateur for it. But I am having fun with every seconds I pour in writing, just lets me have myself and dive right into another world that I am the in-control and keeper of the gate.

Writing makes me whole. Like magic is just within it. It makes me lose all senses and facts. I mean, what's wrong with making something out from your mind and not caring if it exist or a fact. No one can make you burn your works. Seriously, what is up with the world and with their serious, damn right thoroughly explained works. A writer is free and don't ever try to restrict them.

Sometimes, I just don't get why there is a need to revise the story. But then I realized that not everything you write will be accepted just like that. And just like in life, you cannot please everyone, every time. 

So much for being free.

But, who cares right? The best solution in trying to solve a problem is just let it be and not care. Simple as that. Life's too short to trouble yourself with stupid things. Better yet make the most out from something. From worst to best, crazy to ordinary, and fun to memories. 

Err......I just got out of the main topic.

Well, I should just relax my mind (......if I could.....) and layout my outline. Oh! And take note, if you're frustrated, mad, or sad, just take a paper and a pen and write those fucked up event that just happened in your life.

Goodnight <3

Oh, gosh! 

I want to cry right now.

I don't know what I'm currently feeling. The emotions are so mixed up inside. I want to shout, punch someone (or something to avoid any ruckus), throw a fit (just like a damn kid), destroy something, make a mess out of my room, break some glass, and out of all the option there is, I'd probably just cry a bucket in my room with no one noticing and falling asleep right then. And I was so positive with my post last time. Just what the heck happened to me, I wonder.

Can I cuss? Like shout some foul words and be a shit cause whatever it is that's in my mind, it's shitting me good time. I am in a fucked up.....whatever this state I am going through right now.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

I feel so disappointed. The world is starting to get a gloom and I don't fucking know how to get out of this mood of mine. I wanted to improve myself. You know, change is good and damn right just makes you, and even around you, feel nice as fuck. I wanted to slowly change my habit of suppressing every bit of anxiety, anger, and sadness inside of me cause I really don't like getting in a nasty situation. I get that we need to act tough and be tough in front of the people so that no one can belittle you.



Yeah, sure~



I freaking got that! Seriously, there are times that happens for a reason and there's just no need to fucking do it in a hurry. I believe in the right time things, and I just wanna chill if I'm in a fucking slump.



Can't I live my life without being bothered? With my decisions?



I don't get life anymore. Time will be our enemy, I know! But I need  to take a breath.  Literally. I need to collect myself, cause to be honest, I fucking don't know where my life is going! No one will ever understand my complains, my screams (if you fucking get what I mean).




Okay, I need to stop cussing. I need to breath, laugh and rest up. Being this stressed........not gonna make me happier in just a bit.

that feeling of just snapping out of the ordinary

Behind those Brown-eyes

Why am I here?

Much to the my own point of view about the world I currently living in, there times where I want to just turn a blind eye at everything, shut my mouth and seal my ears from hearing those unwanted noise from afar. And yet, no matter how much I wanted to do that.....I can't.

What's life, and why did it brought me here to where I am now?

There are millions of things in our minds that just want to burst out, explode and literally shout out. Those questions that had been kept hidden inside us, not wanting to go out because it's dangerous, futile, not good enough, and wrong.

Is there such thing as wrong in this world? Do our decisions and actions really need to be ruled over by some insecurity by others? Why are you letting yourself be chained up by the will's of others? Why let them overpower you? Why can't any of us speak up and just be ourselves?

Why can't anyone just trust their own and take a step to that place where they want?

First of, every one of us are being overruled by fear. We can't take one step from that safe line or safe zone. We all want to be safe, of course, that's given. But nothing will happen if we don't take any risks, or take a chance of daring ourselves to do what we truly desire. In actuality, there's no good or bad decisions, it's just all in the head of those negative people who will grab-hold of your positivity to pull you down on their own level. The judgement just takes up when the outcome becomes a total failure, when people just get dissatisfied with that product you gave them. Worst case scenario, they'll let you think it's wrong because you're just doing it with your instinct, with what your heart told you to.

We all have our uniqueness, the special talent, the gift from up-above. To be honest, why look at others when you, yourself, got something that the other party doesn't? Why try to copy when you have the originality in your hands that you still haven't unlocked yourself? We have our own weakness when it comes to things that we want to achieve better than anyone. It's not unusual to make mistakes, to be at fault, to be scolded, to be wrong, it's all lessons for you to learn. What you have right now, a blessing or a challenge to take up on is an opportunity to prove to everyone else that you got the gist to for a bright tomorrow. It's all right to be sad, defeated, disappointed, to feel negative at what you believed in and got turned down. It's all okay. 

Just like what some kept on saying, You aren't born in this world to please everyone, and you are especially not here just to be a laughing stock of those unworthy people who looks down on you. You are here to be yourself, to do what you want and bring something to the world that no one else could. You are born to be who you want to be, not what the others want you to be.

It's so funny how an 18 year old like me saw the world differently, and started questioning almost everything to herself for the past 2-3 years. These eyes of mine was given to see the wondrous things, the pain and sorrow, the joy of every people, the adventures, mysteries and how beautiful the world was created. Up till now, I ask myself why life is so mysterious and amazing at the same time. How come I get to see and understand something that most people won't even dare to care? What's my purpose to this world? What's my mission? Just who should I be?



I can't stop being curious at everything, to the very point that I would just wonder the existence of every human being and living things on Earth. Well, I am glad to be born on this world I am living in right now. I get to see such things I didn't expect I'd see. There are still things that I wish to see, to go to, to do, to explore, to learn and to relax.



We all have our very own purpose in life that even I still don't know yet. But all we got to do is trust our instinct and just soar the sky to explore the vastness of this world. Believe in something that you truly believe. Make memories, have fun, enjoy every bits of what you got while you're still breathing. It doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor. All you gotta do is explore the corners of your own world and step up to reality. 



Just be yourself and be strong.



That's how I see my world right now, and who I am now is a big thanks to this amazing world. It's not only the family and friends that could mold you into a better person, the environment itself will teach you many things beyond your imagination.



Live your life just how you want it to, and be happy.


SMILE